You know the feeling when a moving book comes to an end? The sadness that sets in when you’ve read the very last page. You’re attached to the characters, their world, their lives, and their story. You find solace in the escape. It’s bittersweet because you can’t wait to turn the pages, but you know all good things eventually come to an end. I just finished Patrick Bringley’s book All the Beauty in the World. It has to do with grief and loss and how the author mourned the loss of his brother in an unexpected place. He left his job as a writer for the New Yorker and became a guard at the Metropolitan Museum of Art in NYC for a decade. He found escape, solitude, and solace all the while being accompanied by the world’s greatest works of art.
Bringley’s book illustrates how he grapples with and eventually heals from a life-changing loss. One particular scene in the book is when Bringley and his mom are in a museum soon after his brother’s death. Each of them head off on their personal quest for the work of art that speaks to their unique pain. When the author walks over to his mother in front of her chosen piece, they look into one another’s eyes. She weeps and wails. She comments how beautifully sculpted her chosen work of art is and how beautifully it captures the loss she feels. Two things strike me about this scene. First, it speaks to how grieving is incredibly personal. Second, memories like these are forever etched into our minds. Somehow the great masters capture the emotion in those moments. Art has a way of expressing what words cannot.
How does EMDR therapy help with grief?
As a EMDR therapist, I have the humbling experience of walking alongside brave and broken souls. Their loss is unbearable for them. They are desperate to find a way to live in their skin with the loss that was thrust upon them. Somehow they’ve stumbled upon this strange therapy called EMDR and are willing to try anything. I often hear similar sentiments: “I’ve tried everything…my pastor, support groups, other counselors. No matter what I do I can’t get these images out of my mind. The nightmares won’t stop. I know I couldn’t have stopped him/her from dying, but I feel like I should have. I just want to remember the happy times without breaking down.”
EMDR therapy has the power to help us process grief in a way that just talking about it does not. It helps us find light where there is darkness. EMDR therapy can help us channel the love for that person and even create a new relationship with them through this work. Tragedy can be a catalyst for transformation and can lead us into a different life trajectory like it did for Patrick Bringley. But make no mistake about it- absolutely no one has this vantage point when we’re in the throws of grief. It’s only when we’re looking in the rear-view mirror that we may gain an understanding of how our loss has re-shaped us.
As I said, nothing about Bringley’s book is about EMDR therapy. But the memories he shares about his brother’s journey with cancer parallels others’ memories of losing loved ones. Memories from losses can run the gamet from haunting to excruciating to comforting to beautiful. Most of the time when folks reach out for help, they are desperate to make the excruciating images stop. They want to find healing and connect with the spirit and remembrance of their loved ones.
This is where EMDR therapy comes in. When we get to the meat and potatoes of EMDR therapy, one of the first things we do is talk about the memories, images, and experiences related to your loss. Let’s assume we’ve done the prep work and we’re ready to process the toughest memory. We go through a series of questions that primes various parts of the brain and decide what you want to believe about yourself when thinking about this memory. We let the brain science do its work, take comfort in the support from a skilled and in tune practitioner, and trust in the process and yourself that healing can happen. And if you’re ready, I invite you to begin your journey to healing today.
